Month 11

I’ve long decided now to divorce. Decided is probably not the right word. Divorce was made self-evident by my husband’s choices. Choices to continue to abuse me during this separation. Choices to blame me for the separation instead of taking ownership of his abuse. Choices to refuse collaborative parenting and to “go rogue” with parenting decisions. 

Interestingly, every time I asked God for wisdom to parent the children well, or to somehow find a way to collaborate with my husband, God’s response was NOT a soft whisper of hope and reconciliation. It was instead a strong showing of who my husband actually was. I kept trying to look to a possible future, and God kept showing me the reality of my husband TODAY. And that was a person who was not doing the work of healing and reconciliation. That was a person enslaved to whim. That was a person who continued to hurt me.

So, I’ve known that this separation would lead to divorce for a few months now. And I was desperately hoping for the most peaceful way through. The thing about abuse though, is that it makes the abuser predictably unpredictable. My partner could respond in such a wide range of ways that I can name, but I cannot point to which specific one. There’s a world where he could spiral into shame and revelation of the damage done and want to have a peaceful divorce. This is how the decision to separate went. There’s another world where he could go nuclear and vindictive and obstinately refuse to cooperate. As I spoke to divorce attorneys, I tried explaining this, and it was hard for many of them to understand the wide range. But as I spoke to a friend who had previously divorced an abusive partner, she knew exactly what I meant. 

She called it this shame window, I called it Pharaoh’s yes. In the account of Moses and Pharaoh, after various plagues that impacted the Egyptians, Pharaoh would tell Moses to take his people and go. And then, whether Moses would demand more of his stipulations, or just time passed, Pharaoh would quickly change his mind. Then after the final plague that took the Egyptians’ firstborn sons, Pharaoh gave his final yes – telling Moses to take his people, their children, their belongings and go. And that yes lasted long enough for them to escape. The story continues where Pharaoh, being Pharaoh, changes his mind and sends his guards to capture the Israelites and bring them back into captivity. Miraculously, God splits the Red Sea in half so Moses could lead his people through. The Egyptian army is in hot pursuit and when the last Israelite crosses the sea, God lets go of the waters and drowns the Egyptians. 

Pharaoh’s yes was never permanent. His yeses were fleeting, much like what I’ve experienced in my marriage and separation. Now with divorce, I’ve been praying for the same yes and for God to help lead me out of this destructive relationship. 

And praise God, that process has begun. After initially bringing up the topic with my husband (with panic and nausea), he said he would not divorce because he had hope he could change. I was grieved because neither of us have the money to pay for a contentious divorce. Yet I was also committed to going through litigation if I had to. My freedom was worth it. This week, my husband asked to talk and we met with our pastor and his wife. I got to speak boldly – telling him that I will not change my mind about divorce. He asked if we could give it “one more try”. And I was proud of myself for telling him that this separation WAS the one more try. I added that for him to refuse to divorce me is essentially holding me captive, and that I gave him 10 years of tries. That from the first week of marriage when the abuse first began, I told him that it was not ok, that we needed help, that he needed help. And for 10 years he didn’t believe me enough to do anything significant. And when he said “ok..are you sure about this? This will devastate our kids…” I don’t know what strength came over me, but I said “and that is why I tried SO hard these past 10 years to protect our marriage and to convince you that this abuse was not ok. BECAUSE divorce IS devastating. BECAUSE I know the sanctity of marriage. BECAUSE I wanted to have a God-honoring marriage. I tried so hard. My wanting a divorce now is me stewarding myself and the kids well.” And those words felt like an antidote to my shame. Because this divorce is not my “fault”. It’s the God-bestowed consequence of heinous acts. And thankfully, from that talk, my husband agreed to divorce. And to do it quickly, amicably, through mediation. 

I know this is Pharaoh’s yes. So I am nervous about how long the window will remain open. Will we see a mediator in time? Will this go quickly enough? Will he change his mind while I’m signing the final paper? I don’t know. But I can only hope and trust that God will make a way.