Today is my 9 year anniversary with my husband. We separated 2 weeks ago. 

9 years ago, we got married and moved to Asia to start a new life and church together. One week in, my husband verbally abused me for the first time. We were both shocked by what happened. That shock didn’t last long. 5 years later and 2 kids in, we moved back to the US in an effort to save our marriage from the ashes of abuse. After a few months of couples therapy with a world-renowned therapist, I thought we were on the path to healing. 4 years later, here I am: separated, tired, a little scared yet resolved, and all the more convicted that God is still with me. 

There is so much to unpack. And instead of doing this in my journal, I want to write it out like this. Anonymously yet publicly. Because 4 years ago, I really wish I had access to someone’s thoughts who 1) was in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage 2) really wanted to live well for God 3) really loves and believes in marriage, but understands when separation/divorce is necessary. 

I don’t know how long this separation will last. I don’t know what is at the end of this path. And already in this past month of initiating and executing the separation, I have gone through a gamut of emotions. Most recently, I’ve been so overcome with sadness and grief, that it was hard to do anything or be with anyone. As a marriage and family therapist who is trained in trauma, I know the importance of feeling all the feelings. But I also know the importance of not wallowing, of staying connected to community, and finding the strength to put the next foot in front of the other. 

So I decided to give myself a goal during this time of separation. I want to learn to do a pull up in one year’s time. While I’m not naturally athletic, I’ve always stayed active. In all that time, I have never been able to do a pull up. It is my exercise Everest. But I will learn to do a pull up – to prove to myself that I CAN pull myself up physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

This pull up goal is my way of discovering and honoring what God is doing in me. These last 4 weeks, I saw parts of me that God has developed in me that I wasn’t aware of. I didn’t know I had it in me to initiate a separation with my husband to stand up against the abuse. I didn’t know I had it in me to theologically and therapeutically explain to my church elders why this separation is necessary and supported by God. I didn’t know I had it in me to start a blog to document this journey. I do know that I don’t have it in me to do a pull up as I am. But I will.