It was my birthday a few days ago. Leading up to it, my best friend would tell me how she hopes my ex would sign the divorce papers as my gift. We’d laugh because how wild would that be?

The divorce has moved at a snail’s pace. A snail on vacation. It’s been 1.5 years of the divorce process. By June I was feeling so claustrophobic and in despair. I was terrified at the prospect of the divorce never finalizing and realized that this limbo benefits my ex greatly: no one knows we’re divorcing so his image remains intact; I’m paying for everything for my kids so his bank account remains intact; I handle most of the parenting so his schedule and energy remain intact. Separation is a vacation and I’m footing the bill.

In July, my lawyer and I threatened litigation if he did not agree to terms. Litigation would be costly and demand more child support from him, so unsurprisingly, he agreed to terms. My lawyer also demanded that he begin paying child support (We offered to accept 30% of what the state demands of his income as a barter for protections for the children). Demanding child support to begin was the wisest decision because it forced him to foot part of the bill of this nightmare vacation.

Once my ex agreed to the divorce terms, we were finally at the stage where the lawyers craft a 40-page divorce document discussing the finer details of the divorce. My lawyer and I sent a draft of the agreement, my ex and his lawyer rebutted back. Unsurprisingly but still devastatingly, they tried to reneg on some of the protections for the kids they had previously agreed to (refer to my post on dealing with Pharaoh). After that, his lawyer went AWOL. No movement, no response for months. At this point, God had done a work in my heart where I surrendered the process to Him. There were times in the divorce where I could feel God say “fight for more. don’t settle. don’t compromise on the protections. demand it”. So I did. And then, at this point of his lawyer going AWOL, it became a “just wait, let me work” season. And this season was a good rest for my soul. I felt surrendered and knew in my heart that I could strive and busy myself trying to push the divorce, or do absolutely nothing at all, and I would still be divorced on the same exact day. A few months later, my ex suddenly changed his social media profile picture and his phone background. They used to be of me and our kids. Every time I saw it I would cringe. He finally changed them to a solo picture of himself. He also took off his wedding ring. After 2 years of being separated and 1 year of trying to divorce. He started asking me when we should tell the kids that we’re divorcing. He even made sure to bring it up as a topic to the kids’ therapist in a parenting session. So God was evidently working. He was finally getting on board with the divorce. This was such an ideal scenario because a part of me worried that we’d divorce and he’d still carry on playing the role of the forlorn, jilted husband.

So a few days ago, when I received an uncharacteristically short email from him apologizing for the lengthy divorce process and stating that he reviewed the divorce proposal again and told his lawyer he would like to sign the papers, I was shocked. Cautiously amazed by God. Is my ex changing? My friends would celebrate, “isn’t this great??? how are you feeling??” I would respond “I feel shocked, but I won’t believe it until it’s done. Only God can take it the end zone”. I wasn’t sure if my words from the cynic in me, or the war-vet who’s seen it all. I think it’s the latter. Because 2 days later, I get the characteristically long email from my ex, saying he’s spoken to his lawyer and he actually won’t sign the papers until I take out the items that protect me from him in the way we communicate. And in typical fashion, while the email sounded even-keel there were passive aggressive digs and accusations laden throughout. Over the past 2 years, I’ve learned to stop reading his emails. I put them through ChatGPT and ask it to summarize the email in content and tone. I love/hate when AI is able to tell me that my ex is attacking my character. It’s a fantastic way to dispel the gaslighting. I love that I don’t have to feel the knot in my stomach that tells me I’m not safe. I hate that a computer can see the attacks that I allowed to confuse/terrify me for years.

As I’ve updated my friends on my ex’s change of heart, I’ve received many outraged messages. I don’t know if I can say I feel outraged. I knew, when he said he’d sign, that only God could really bring it to completion. I knew there was a high likelihood he’d change his mind again, much like Pharaoh. But I’m heartbroken. Because a sliver of my heart hoped that maybe he changed when I read his email on my birthday. A fragment inside of me hoped that maybe my kids had a chance of having a good dad. I’m heartbroken for my kids. Their dad hasn’t changed. And while I don’t feel betrayed by God, I’m also sort of like “God? Can You up the ante now? Are you as upset as I am? Are you heartbroken too? What’s the next move? Can you send him bad dreams until he signs the papers? Maybe some boils. Ok fine maybe I’m not the one who should ask for boils. Change his heart Lord. Give my kids a shot at having a good earthly father.”

I don’t know what the next move is. I have some options. I can go to court. I can write a scathing email. I can write a strategically calm email. I don’t feel helpless, I don’t feel hopeless. But I don’t feel great right now either.

This is divorce. This is divorcing a narcissist.